Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I showered at 3 am

because I woke up drenched in someone else's pee.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sexy pinewood derby car and the zoo.

I work in a car shop and for one of our team meetings we are having a pinewood derby race. I figure I have little chance of winning against mechanics, so I decided to make it fun.

Behold, my idea of a pinewood derby car:

I would never even wear that shoe in real life, but it's kinda sexy-cute, don't ya think?

This weekend we went to the zoo. Good times.

Blaine looks so funny, I would never be caught doing that.

Ten minutes later he persuaded me.

This is my best attempt to be a sexy spider. I think my pasty white legs steal the show.

Mama chick and her egglings.

White alligator. I guess there are only about 10 left in the world and they are sure to go extinct.

Ben had to stop every 15 mins to consultant with the zoo map, it was really cute.

Flashback to Disneyland May 2007, Ben consulting the Disney map:

I guess he's big into planning. I can't wait until he's old enough to plan our household, Roxy can cook and Blaine and I can just sit back.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Is it an internet virus?

Recently two of my blog friends, Kristina and Lorrie, had the flu and now I have it. But I've never even met them.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Lazy, lazy

Today I have a really bad headache, so rather than write my own post, I'd rather link you to something much, much funnier than something I could write.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Today, I will not break the law.

My ex-brother-in-law is in jail, for reasons I won't go into here, let's just say we're glad he's there. And hope he stays for a long, long time. Which is why I showed up for his sentencing hearing.

I was fascinated watching all the inmates file into the courtroom, they have them sit in the jury box, which just adds to my reasons for not wanting to be a juror. They wear jail clothes, but not usually jumpsuits, just orange scrubs. Their hands and feet are shackled and they shuffle to their chairs. I was thinking about what they miss about freedom, what they hate about being locked up. What will make them change their lives and never come back?

Do they miss having cigarettes, hair brushes, snacks whenever they feel like it? What would I hate most about jail, that would motivate me from never going back, or being there in the first place?

As I was my ex-bro-in-law shuffled his way before the judge, his orange, scrub-like prison pants were slowly inching their way down, down, down. And when his crack was about to be revealed, my answer was revealed to me. Jail issued underwear. Imagine wearing the same underoos as all the other inmates, you just throw them in the laundry hamper and get another pair back, who wore them last?

So, today and tomorrow and all tomorrows after I will keep the law so I never have to wear those things.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I don't have any quirks

Loralee tagged me.

The Rules:
Link the Person who Tagged you-
Mention rules on your blog-
Tell about 6 quirks of yours-
Tag 6 fellow bloggers to do the same-
Leave a comment to let them know.

#1: I love hand sanitizer. I wish all restaurants had it at all the tables.

#2: I constantly pick at my skin. I can't stand the thought of there being anything under my skin, so I pick and cause more problems.

#3: Since I got braces, I carry around a little compact with me. Last night when I was out with my mom and sisters they told me I look in it a lot. They accused me of being vain, really I'm just self-conscious.

#4: I'm scared of spiders in the house, but they don't bother me outside.

#5: I don't eat meat, but I encourage my kids too.

#6: I go out of my way to avoid it, but when I do it, I like it.

Now I tag Robyn, Lisa, Kristy, Jenn, Kim, and Sara.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

What a crappy way to start a Saturday

This morning I woke up around 8:30 in the morning. That wasn't crappy, that was AWESOME since I usually get up at 6. When I lazily turned on the TV with my breakfast, TBS was playing I AM SAM.
Let me just say I think that movie is brilliant, the actors are the most amazing ever, and it's directed super cool. But no one should ever, ever watch that movie. I've had a cry-hangover headache all day now.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

No Dignity Flashback Friday again.

Have you ever pooped your pants at work? I have. But strangely, I'm not really that embarrassed about it. I mean it wasn't my fault or anything. I didn't even know I was going to pass gas, much less pass poop. It just happened. And it sucked.
And now everyone knows. Aren't you glad there are no pictures along with this flashback?

How to get married.

There is a guy at my work who is single and really wants to get married. He's a great guy, successful, religious, hard working, owns his own house, and it's nice. Why single you ask? I have a theory.

No garbage can in the guest bathroom. Seriously. So he has a date over and she's got her period. Awkward. Now she has choose between putting her plastic applicator in her pocket or flushing it. She is NEVER coming back.

Are you with me girls?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Psychedelic Sexy

The other night we went to Classic Skating with Ben and Roxy's school. Sounds like fun right?
Ben had a good time, for that matter so did Roxy.

You just can't tell by looking at her.

But no one had as much fun as the adolescent boys.
My bra was glowing through my shirt under the black light.
AWESOME! I couldn't have felt like a bigger creep.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Sorry Robyn,

I'm too tired to blog today.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

No Really

Ben lost his second front tooth last night. I love the way it looks with that big hole right up front. (He can still whistle)
Roxy told me she doesn't believe the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny are real. After all, she could feel the zipper on the back of the bunny costume on the guy at the mall. She went on and on about how they aren't real, the only one who is real is Santa.
I asked her if she could keep a secret and told her she was right. The Easter bunny and tooth fairy aren't real.

I am them.

Mom, don't be silly. You are not. Your hand isn't even feather soft to reach under my pillow. I insisted- she insisted. So I threw in that I'm Santa as well.
She definitely doesn't believe me.

p.s. Roxy tried to play a joke on Ben by wrapping a marble up in paper and tape and putting it under his pillow. The part that makes me laugh the most about this is that she did it all on her own.

Friday, September 12, 2008

I had to pick something to blog about

I've noticed people doing flashback Friday on their blogs, I think I might give it a try - no dignity style. When I was in grade four, I had an extremely embarrassing moment. Which I will now share with you because I don't have anything to blog about today. So why not humiliate myself.

I was sitting on the bus and I really needed to pick my nose, it was so uncomfortable. I didn't have any tissue, so I slouched down in my seat and picked it. It was huge.

Then I ate it.

That's when I heard Shane say "GROSS". And I died.

I know, I know, that story is disgusting and by the time your in fourth grade you should definitely know better. But don't worry, I learned my lesson and now I only pick and eat when I'm sure no one is looking.

*I really hope I don't have to say just kidding for you to know I don't pick and eat ever.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


I'll never forget that day and the weeks that followed. The pain.
God bless the mothers, daughter, sons, fathers, parents, neighbors and friends.
God bless America.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Please, hold your applause, take your seats...

Today one of my biggest blogging dreams came true.

When I first discovered the blogosphere, I came across Sue. I instantly fell in blog-love with her, which is not gay, in case you weren't sure. She made me laugh, she made me cry (not literally, but but blog tears, which are just as powerful), and I related to so many of her posts. I was an instant blog stalker. She made me that way and now I've branched out to stalk other blogs as well. But it all started with Sue.

And today she commented on MY blog.

She didn't just comment, she wants me to submit a post to a book she is doing. AAACCCKKKK!
I am not at that blogging level.

All my blog life I've wanted a relationship with her, and she moved so fast. The pressure. I just want to take it slow. But this book she is doing is for such a great cause and Sue, who I blog-love, asked me to. So I must. But I am deeply afraid of the rejection.

Anway, you should check out the book, the proceeds go to help out NieNie and her family.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Animals love me.

For instance, when I was a kid, growing up on a farm, a cow was once so torn between eating and being near me, it decided to stand on my foot while it ate. And it would not move.

Also, snakes lived inside the walls of our basement as a kid. We didn't know until after we moved and the next people who lived there tore down the sheet rock while remodeling. My dad thought he saw a snake in the family room a couple of times, but we all thought he was crazy. Turns out he was, but right about the snake nonetheless.
There were like 200 of them. Seriously.

One day while I was walking to school in grade 12, a bird picked me to poop on. Yup, right on the top of the head.

I used to have a little toy poodle puppy that had so much love and respect for me, that when she slept with me one night, she went to the opposite side of the bed from me to poop. On the bed.

Maybe it was revenge for the stupid purse I used to make her hide in at restaurants.

Or maybe it was because I didn't take her to Yoga.

Yeah, I saw this on TV the other night. What a racket. They get us to spend money on dogs in the stupidest ways.

Google gave me these pics, but I was a little let down that I couldn't find better ones. Some of the poses I saw on TV were kinda disgusting. I'm sure you can imagine.

Monday, September 8, 2008

I'm OK

Whoa, that was rough, but I'm doing much better now. Thanks.

What are your top priorities?
My main one is not getting hit/bumped in the mouth.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


I know a lot of you have had braces, you could have said something. Sure you said it hurts. But you could have told me it HURTS. Seriously. And I swear the brackets have gotten bigger since they've been on my teeth. I feel like my mouth takes up my whole face.
And I begged my husband for this.

Plus, all I ever do is think about myself now. All day long, me, me, me. I'm having a pity party, wanna come. It's about a year and a half long, so it will be hard for you to miss it. The only people who might hate my braces more than me are the people who spend time around me.

Did I mention this sucks?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I'll show that Dr. Oz

Dr. Oz may say my real age is 38, but I showed him.
Between my acne and new braces, I'm not a day over 14. Unless you look near my eyes then the wrinkles show themselves.

Seriously, wrinkles and acne at the same time. Real funny.

I got pink rubber bands on the bottom just for fun and cuz their not really visible. And when I smile normally you can barely see anything but the wire, don't you think.

Heck is for people that don't believe in gosh